Father's Day...

I am going to broach a subject that I very seldom talk about...my dad. I really don't think of him as a dad, so I guess I should say my biological father? What do you call a man that you haven't spoken one word to in 15 years? That the last time you saw him was at your Grandfather's funeral, and he acted as if you didn't exist? What do you call a man who kicks his daughter out of the house with no where to go? (I made the HUGE mistake of moving in with him when I went to college...HUGE!!! I ended up sleeping on the floor of an acquaintances dorm room for a week until I found a place to live. But that is a whole other story.)
I heard a song today that reminded me of him. It is the new Kellie Pickler song I wonder. If you haven't heard it, I attached it for you at the bottom of this post...take the time ~ it is a beautiful song ... and it is so true. I can't help but wonder sometimes if he thinks of me. Tomorrow is Father's day ~ will he remember me? Will I cross his mind once? Why do I even care after all this time? Most of the time, I admit, that I don't think of him anymore. I have had to move away from it all and try to find peace. I have forgiven alot in my lifetime, but for whatever reason, I cannot find forgiveness in my heart for him. I have prayed about it, but 15 years later, I still haven't found that forgiveness.
I will never forget the last interaction with my father for as long as I live...the pure hatred in his eyes is something I hope never to experience again. I often wonder what his version of events for that is? He surely doesn't tell the story or tell it correctly, so I do often wonder how he explains the fact he has a daughter that he hasn't spoken to in so long...how does he spin his abuse to show himself in a better light? My biggest regret in life is that my Grandpa died within months of our big fallout. I didn't get to tell him what really happened...I often wonder what my father told him...whatever it was, I know it wasn't the truth. How do you explain throwing your daughter across the room and your wife having to pull you off of her before your fist hit her in the face? You know he didn't tell that...my only peace with that is that I know my Pa is in heaven, and he now knows the truth. I hope he is the first person I see when I get there, and he wraps me in his arms with a long-awaited hug. He is the one postive male influence I had in my life, and I wish I could have one more conversation with him.
I guess I should take comfort in the fact that I have risen above it all and tried to become a much better, more giving person than my father ever was. That saying actions speaks louder than words is the best way to explain my parental relationships...my father always said everything you wanted to hear, he would tell me he loved me everytime he saw me, but yet he was never there. My Mom, on the otherhand, was ALWAYS there. (granted I may not have shown my appreciation as a teenager, but I do appreciate it now!) A prime example is when I was on the drill team, my Mom was at every game to watch me perform - even in the rain. At the time, my father only lived about 30 min. away, but somehow, didn't make it. Why is it that the parent that fails you the most is the one you constantly look for? I have looked for him my whole life...but it was Mom who was there...so forgive me this Father's Day, while I celebrate another Mother's Day because my Mom had to work double-duty and be my Mom and my Dad....and I love her dearly for it!

To watch I wonder video click here