Facts of Life...

Last night was NOT a good night! I feel like I'm all about gloom and doom lately, but I gotta let out my frustrations as well as the good stuff. I am pretty open about the fact that Kevin is an alcoholic. (Although I don't usually tell new folks until they've actually met him b/c I don't want him to be pre-judged.) We just celebrated 9 months sober last week, and we are starting over today...today is Day 1 of sobriety. He slipped up last night and drank. Yep, NOT a good night!!

Without going into the details of what happened b/c that isn't fair to him, I will "let out" my feelings! I know that slips happen when alcoholics try to get sober. I know that they relapse sometimes 7, 8, 9 times before the sobriety finally takes hold for good. I know a slip can happen anyday. Trust me! But that doesn't make the disappointment and hurt any less. It just isn't fair to him or me...if you know him or have known him his whole life like I have, you know that he has the biggest heart. He is such a fun-loving, sensitive, good person. He doesn't deserve to have to struggle with this the rest of his life. (and neither do I) But, it is like my friend said who has a husband with MS ~ people tried to tell her not to get serious about him or marry him b/c it would be too hard of a life. She said you don't turn off the love you have for someone b/c they have a disease. It may be easy for people to think or say you can, but it isn't when you love someone to just walk away. And, alcoholism IS a DISEASE. A very ugly one.

I have to admit that I was FURIOUS with him last night ~ especially once I had the keys and knew he was safe. I let him have it with everything I had too - I think I cussed him worse than I would my own dog! (I will be saying prayers for weeks asking forgiveness for all the foul words that came out of my mouth!!) I doubt he remembers much of what I yelled at him last night though. It was difficult to take or watch someone you love like that...but at the same time, I wanted to throttle him!!!! This morning, I hadn't cooled off much either, so he got round 2 of the wrath of Lori. After a full day at work, I have calmed down a bit, but I am still pissed & hurt & disappointed & angry...but now more at the disease and circumstances than at him. Although, still at him too...if that makes sense. He struggles and has come SO far, but he has to learn how to deal with life's curve balls WITHOUT drinking!

He is at work now & has attended an AA meeting today already. He at least is in the right frame of mind that this is NOT going to set him back. He slipped and will move on with sobriety. I will support him as long as he is working towards sobriety. I couldn't be with him if every night was like last night - no way! But, we are all human. I will forgive him - I don't think I have yet - but I will. And, we will start all over with the trust, and the meetings, and the days, but that is OK as long as we are staying sober AND happy!

You know that as a human being, we worry what other people think - don't think I haven't worried about that. I hate to admit that I have...I also admit that I don't confide much in my friends about this b/c in the back of my mind, I wonder "do they think I'm nuts for dating him?" Well...I am sure there are those that do think that - we all have our opinions. But please, remember, that it is a disease and he is TRYING. And remember that the good outweighs the bad - he loves me and shows me on a daily basis. ok - I am not going to try to justify anything...but if you have a negative opinion, please keep it to yourself. Right now, we need encouragement and prayers...Kevin more so than me. So, if you pray, say a prayer tonight that Kevin has the strength he needs to overcome his battles.

Thanks for listening (if you are still here! ha!). I feel better just getting some of that off my chest!