I almost let myself get down this week...almost got off track. Sometimes it's the one extra thing that gets put on your plate that can knock you off balance. It was just an overwhelming week with work and other stuff. My to-do list was a mile long, but as of today, I have it all done with the exception of grocery shopping and mowing. Two things I despise!!! I wish I could just hire a teenager to come mow, but money is too tight right now. That is something I am so tired of worrying about...money. You know, Kevin being gone has really set me back more than I thought. He helped out alot around here. Now, with him gone, I am strapped. It isn't fun. I'm not gonna lie, but it will get better. Unfortunately, I had two really big bills due in the past week and Jax had to go to the vet. Those are paid, so now it's time to play catch-up. So, yep, I almost got down this week.
The thoughts on my mind this week have been about where I've been and where I should be going...maybe I am at a crossroads. Remember being younger and having these great plans for your life? I mean, seriously, we all know I didn't PLAN to be 35 without kids, divorced and with a boyfriend in rehab. Who in their 20's would plan that for themselves?? But it is where I am, and mostly I embrace it. I really do try to see the lesson and make myself a better person when things go wrong. I think I am a MUCH better person since my divorce. I am happier and stronger. But this week after paying bills and having no money left over, I asked myself a few times, what the hell happened??? How did I get to this place in my life? 12 years ago at the naive, young age of 23, (just this month too), I was getting married. I still remember that day vividly...so full of hope and dreams. Here is a warning to all you planners out there...we both wanted three boys and the house with the dog, the storybook family life. Not sure what happened there, but then things changed. Then, he didn't want kids. I made peace with it. I even convinced myself I didn't want kids! But, I am getting off track. My point, I guess, is that neither of us planned for things to turn out the way they did. And, after feeling like white trash all week because my boyfriend is in rehab and I am poor. I guess I realized, well, I would rather be happy, poor white trash, then have money and be someone who didn't want to be with me. But, I still want to shake people that I hear making plans for things and talking like there is no question they are going to happen. You don't know what is going to happen tomorrow or next year. Anything can happen...
I had a weak moment or two this week, but I still have my chin up. I am hopeful about the future. I have faith God knows what he is doing with my life. I have my friends close by and am trying to find the joy in my current journey...where ever it takes me!
1 comments:
Girl, don't get down on yourself like that! First off, a lot of us "married with children women" actually envy you!! As for being broke -- we all are!! Don't kid yourself into thinking your neighbors, friends, coworkers actually have extra cash laying around. If it looks like they do, then trust me when I say: They're just in debt up to their eyeballs!! As for kids, you still have plenty of time! Besides, you have at least two beautiful nieces that I know of. Just continue to dote on them (and take comfort in the fact that you can send them home when they start talking back or eating all of your pop tarts!) Now, hold that chin up, count your blessings...and I don't want to hear another word of this depressing stuff!
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