**warning ~ if you want a happy, feel good post. You might want to skip to yesterday or Sunday's.
I am having a bad "I miss Kevin" day. He was such a presence around here with his belly laughs, his messes, his jokes, his COOKING, his stories...I could go on and on. I just miss him. I miss calling him on my way home and talking to him about my day. I miss having him to take my side when I am mad or irritated at someone. Because you know, he always had my back. I miss that he made me put my school work up and do something else even if we just sat and talked. For those of you who really know us, you know we joke that Kevin has "gay tendencies" ~ LOL! I mean, he does like to go to flea markets and helps me put outfits together. I changed shirts three times this morning! And shoes, he always knows which shoes I should wear! ha! I miss him bad and it's only been two weeks. 6 months is a long time.
Now before I get any lectures, I know this is for the best. I know this is the only way our relationship can survive. But that doesn't mean I don't miss him. And actually, I am thankful for missing him like this today because honestly, sometimes I feel guilty that I am adjusting as well as I am. I feel like I should miss him more. I don't know how to explain it. I miss him, BUT...for the last 3 months, things have just gotten too out of control. I do NOT miss that. I do NOT miss the worry. So much worry...how was his day? Can he handle this news? Is today the day he will drink? Did he drink today? Is he covering and really drank? and again, another long list that could go on and on. Nope, I don't miss the worry...that is where a bit of guilt comes into play because I almost feel guilty that I was relieved to have him gone. I mean, I could breath. He is safe. Everyone else is safe. I don't have to worry. I am free. I can just focus on me. I am always so busy worrying over everyone else and if they are happy that I sometimes forget to think about me.
Ok - enough whining and crying. I gotta reach down deep and be tough. I know I have to keep things in perspective. No one is dying. Kevin has been given a chance at recovery and a new life. There a million success stories out there, and this place has a HIGH success rate. He will beat this. 6 months is a small price to pay for a lifetime of sobriety and happiness. Right? RIGHT!
Just crap - this isn't always going to be easy!
6 comments:
Hang in there girl..things will be better :)
Kevin is right where he needs to be and you need this time for you, Lori. I love you and both of you are going to make it through this. Let go and give it back to God and pray that when you try to take it back He will smack those hands and remind you that it is all HIS. (I have to tell myself this SEVERAL times a day).Call me anytime. Love you.
I completely get that, all of it!! It's hard to do the RIGHT thing in life. There are so many examples of the difficulty in doing the right thing, and so many people just settle because the act of doing the right thing is too much stinking work. However, when you choose to let things go its a LOT more work in your life. You have to see the forest through the trees, and it sounds like you do. Your future will have stability,peace and happiness. That is worth some major sacrifices! Nonetheless, you miss him and your life is a on hold until you get through the challenges. That's tough! Thanks for sharing, it helps keep things in perspective for all of us Lori!!
Hugs and hugs. :-)
Only a couple weeks left until you can see him....it will be here before you know it. Hang in there!!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder! Hang in there and trust yourself on those shoe choices!!
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