All mixed up...

**warning ~ if you want a happy, feel good post. You might want to skip to yesterday or Sunday's.

I am having a bad "I miss Kevin" day. He was such a presence around here with his belly laughs, his messes, his jokes, his COOKING, his stories...I could go on and on. I just miss him. I miss calling him on my way home and talking to him about my day. I miss having him to take my side when I am mad or irritated at someone. Because you know, he always had my back. I miss that he made me put my school work up and do something else even if we just sat and talked. For those of you who really know us, you know we joke that Kevin has "gay tendencies" ~ LOL! I mean, he does like to go to flea markets and helps me put outfits together. I changed shirts three times this morning! And shoes, he always knows which shoes I should wear! ha! I miss him bad and it's only been two weeks. 6 months is a long time.

Now before I get any lectures, I know this is for the best. I know this is the only way our relationship can survive. But that doesn't mean I don't miss him. And actually, I am thankful for missing him like this today because honestly, sometimes I feel guilty that I am adjusting as well as I am. I feel like I should miss him more. I don't know how to explain it. I miss him, BUT...for the last 3 months, things have just gotten too out of control. I do NOT miss that. I do NOT miss the worry. So much worry...how was his day? Can he handle this news? Is today the day he will drink? Did he drink today? Is he covering and really drank? and again, another long list that could go on and on. Nope, I don't miss the worry...that is where a bit of guilt comes into play because I almost feel guilty that I was relieved to have him gone. I mean, I could breath. He is safe. Everyone else is safe. I don't have to worry. I am free. I can just focus on me. I am always so busy worrying over everyone else and if they are happy that I sometimes forget to think about me.

Ok - enough whining and crying. I gotta reach down deep and be tough. I know I have to keep things in perspective. No one is dying. Kevin has been given a chance at recovery and a new life. There a million success stories out there, and this place has a HIGH success rate. He will beat this. 6 months is a small price to pay for a lifetime of sobriety and happiness. Right? RIGHT!

Just crap - this isn't always going to be easy!

Let the pictures do most of the talkin'

As requested by Ms. Tan over at Double Duty ~ some scrap pages:

I have decided after looking back over my pages that I am in a scrappin' rut!! My pages all look the same! boo!! But I picked these two to show off above (obviously my fur kids! hee-hee), and the cool sticker letters that I found! You can't tell but dividing the page is some self-adhesive ribbon. If you don't have any, wait until it goes on sale at Hobby Lobby and GET SOME! You will love it!

Then below is really nothing spectacular but I thought Lindsey would like to see my new stamps in action. We both went a little crazy this summer buying stamps when they went on sale!

You know I'm gonna throw some more horse pics in the mix...Autumn practicing barrels with Shena...I love to watch her ride!

Tayhlor practicing barrels with Sergio...

Does Autumn love anything besides horses you ask? Well, yes, she does! ELVIS! Seriously!

And because he's so cute! Max the pilot...

And lastly, Kevin is gonna be mad he missed it, and I had to take a picture to prove it. But we FINALLY have tomatoes! LOL! Remember we've been battling the squirrels all summer?!? I guess they are full! :-)

The Weekend

This weekend was MUCH better for me than last weekend...the difference is that I stayed busy! Today marks two weeks since Kevin went to John 3:16, and in some ways it seems like he's been gone for much longer (especially around meal time ~ ha!) I admit that I am ready to be able to at least talk to him. Although, I have been reassured by many that he is doing fine. I still want to see him for myself! But anyway...let me tell you about my weekend b/c it was a good one!

Friday night was scrappin'. It started out a big group of us and then folks started dropping out like flies...(there is an ugly virus going around). So, it dwindled down to 4 of us, and then Sandy got stuck at Wal-Mart most of the night arguing with them over her pictures. She just got back from Mexico and the developing of her pictures just didn't do Mexico justice! It was still a good night (except maybe for Sandy). I got 6 pages done. None are WOW pages, but I'll still post a pic or two sometime this week anyway. You know scrap night is a success no matter how many of us there are or how many pages get done. The main thing is GIRLS NIGHT!!

Saturday I had class all day. Can you believe the next class is our mid-term already? This one is going by so fast, it is making my head spin! The only thing keeping me sane with my Master's stuff is that I can see the end in sight! I could possibly finish this summer!!!

Today was fun b/c I went to Mom and Dad's and spent it with the animals and the girls. They dressed up the dogs:

Autumn had a birthday cake (her Dad will be out of town for her birthday so we did it last minute today). Isn't she looking grown-up???

I got to love on my favorite boxer at Mom's...Rufus!
Autumn and Tayhlor then made me time and judge them in a horseshow. We apparently don't get enough horse shows, so we have to PLAY horseshow on the off weekends! ha!

Here is Autumn with her ultimate birthday present:

And Tayhlor gets to ride Sergio now, so everyone is happy!

There are more pictures coming later in the week...

TGIF

How 'bout Grey's last night? I love it! Didn't see that coming with Christina! But, why do we have to wait TWO weeks for the next one? I think I yelled at my tv when I saw that!!

Tonight is scrap night...so, all is good today! :-) hee-hee!

Oh, and heads up, I am in talks with a certain famous blog designer - Lindsay over at Splat - so if you log on one day soon and things look different, it is still me!

Have a great weekend!

What's on your DVR line-up?

It's premiere week!! Woo-hoo! It's about time, and I admit to being mostly looking forward to Grey's tomorrow night!!! But here is how my week lines up, anything I am really missing and should add?

Monday - Dancing with the Stars & Boston Legal (which my DVR said was the 5th and final season - that makes me sad! I love James Spader and William Shatner together.)

Tuesday - Dancing with the Stars (one gets kicked off already but I fell asleep before it ended)

Wednesday - Dancing with the Stars (again!! I mean, why 3 times the first week?) & New Adventures of Old Christine (love this one - it cracks me up! It has Elaine from Seinfeld in it.)

Thursday - Grey's Anatomy (can't wait!!) & ER (I know, I know, it should be over already but I have watched from the beginning and can't stop. It is the 15th and final season.)

Sunday - Desperate Housewives (I am interested to see how they make it jump forward 5 years.)

**Then next week on the 1st of Oct. is Dirty Sexy Money. It hasn't been on since December b/c it didn't come back from the writer's strike. So, I have no idea where we left off.

**I also watched Women's Murder Club last year, but my DVR isn't showing it to record. Anyone know if it's cancelled or when it starts?

Whew! That's a lot of TV watching! ha!

Never a dull moment...

This guy look a little out of place on the wood floors??? SIMBA!!! He's at it again, and he is currently winning the war against my toads. I am NOT happy about this! For one, I love my toads in the pond. I love listening to them at night. It sounds like camping. For years, they have managed to escape Simba. He has stalked them and lost. Until now. I stepped on one about a week ago that he left on the dining room area rug. URGH! I couldn't see it in the pattern of the rug - gross! Then, a few nights ago, he caught a little one and left it on the bedroom floor so I'd find it as soon as I got up. Thank God he didn't bring it in the bed!

This morning, as I was leaving for work, he had brought this HUGE one inside for me to almost step on first thing in the morning!!! Can you tell how big this guy is? I didn't want to touch it, so I got a paper towel and then realized he was still alive! I may have screamed a bit! But I managed to get him back out to the pond. I hope he recovered! Look at those legs on him - some people might fry those up! hmmm.....

STUPID weedeaters & GREAT neighbors...

Anyone remember how last summer I had lawnmower trouble all season? Couldn't keep one running...this year, the lawnmower is running (knock on wood), but the STUPID weedeater or should I say weedeaters plural are worthless!!! URGH! I got one last year at the beginning of yard work season that was battery powered. Loved it! It was light weight, and I didn't feel like my arms were going to fall off after weedeating. Well, this year, the battery won't hold the charge. It would take 3 days of charging and weedeating to get the yard done. So, Kevin has a big gas powered weedeater. I hate that thing, but it doesn't matter b/c it is sitting in the garage in pieces from him working on it over a month ago and not being able to fix it. Enter my parents weekeater that I borrowed a few weeks ago. My neighbor came over yesterday to help me get it started. After getting me started and having a good laugh because I would scream everytime it got to going too fast ~ have I mentioned I HATE gas powered weedeaters? ha! Anyway, my poor neighbor had to re-start it three times for me. Then, I finally got on a roll and the stupid line ran out! URGH! I now have not one, not two, but three worthless weedeaters in my garage and a backyard that still needs to be done! I have the worst luck with lawn equipment!! Any good recommendations for a weedeater that is lightweight?

Seriously though, I have the BEST neighbors!! On Saturday, they came over to check on me because they hadn't seen me in awhile. In this neighborhood, awhile equals anything over a week. There are days that we all get our lawn chairs and set outside and talk until it gets dark. So, they came over to check in, and I let them know about Kevin and what all had been happening over here. They were very supportive. They also love Kevin - he won them over with his cooking too! ha! So, Sunday, Greg helped me with the weedeater, and tonight Kenya called and was making my favorite meal (beans and cornbread & fried potatoes) and told me to come eat! NO ONE can cook good 'ole southern food like Kenya!! YUM! She didn't have to ask me twice! Before Kevin came along, Kenya fed me on a pretty regular basis because she would just shake her head at what I was eating. hee-hee! Thank goodness for good neighbors!

I thank God for Jax!

How could I not love that face! This is the face of the BEST dog in the world!! He has been by my side and gotten me through many bumps in the road of life. Jax is 10 1/2 years old now and was by my side as my constant companion through a very lonely marriage. I didn't really have the close friends I have now when I was married. I pushed most people away so they couldn't see inside and know what my life was truly like. My ex-husband was "out" 5 or 6 nights a week, but Jax, he was always there and happy to see me. He was there through the crying, depressing divorce days and re-adjusting to a new life. And he's still here...I don't know what I will do when it's his time to go. There will never be another dog like him for me. He holds a very special place in my heart.

Yesterday was a down day. Our first Saturday home without Kevin. Jax was a good cuddler and more than happy to get up in the bed with his momma and let out a few toots so I would feel like there was a "man" around! ha! You know last week was just as hard on the poor dog as it was me. Whenever I am upset, so is he. He was pacing and had an upset stomach. This week he whines for no reason. Think he misses Kevin too?
When I count my blessings today, I count Jax high on the list. He's already had to hug Momma a few times today and let me cry. So many emotions...I miss Kevin, and I just want to see him or talk to him and know he's ok. But then, I am still mad at him too. I found some empty bottles today when I was cleaning. I know alcoholics hide bottles. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but it still made me MAD to find them. MAD at him for hiding things and lying. MAD that he hasn't been able to beat this. At the same time, it broke my heart. And that is where the best dog ever comes in to mend my heart and soak up my tears.

I wonder...

I wonder if people realize how much work a teacher takes home each night?

I wonder what it means that I have been ok all week...no more tears.

I wonder if it will all come crashing down on me at once.

I wonder if it is time for me to start looking for a library position.

I wonder what the weekend brings...

I wonder if my niece knows how fiercely protective I am of her?

I wonder if my BFF knows how much I truly love and cherish her and our friendship?

I wonder what Kevin is doing...

I wonder what his days are like...

I wonder what normal is...

I wonder if I will ever get caught up on grading papers?

Fall Top Ten

Flip Flop Mamma gave the idea for today's post. I gotta find my positive posts where I can these days! ha! Hop on over and check out her list too and then come on and post yours! :-)

My 10 favorite things about fall:

1. the colors ~ the leaves changing and all the color when you go on a drive

2. I have to agree with Flip Flop Mamma and say flip flops with jeans!

3. fall camping trips ~ Kevin introduced me to these and I like it better than summer camping!!

4. the cool temperatures are just right

5. mums ~ I love the mums blooming and mums with pumpkins around are even better!

6. back to school ~ some days can be stressful, but I do love my job

7. riding home with the sunroof open

8. Turkey day and family time

9. sweatshirts and long sleeve T-shirts

10. NO MORE MOWING! :-)

What's your top ten?

I'm not even making this up!

Just a sneak peak into my day ~ keep in mind ALL the following events at school happened BEFORE noon!

**Within the first 5 minutes, I had to send a student to the nurse because his head was STILL bleeding from getting hit with a belt buckle. Urghh!! He ended up having to leave school and go to the doctor. It was that bad! I am not even going to go on my rant about the services that are suppose to be in place to help these kids...

**By 9:30 am, I had a student throw up in the floor. Bless her heart! I had just called mom to come pick her up too. Some kids you can just tell when they don't feel good. She didn't have fever but I knew she looked miserable and then....wham! Clean up on aisle 3!

**As that happens, my "slightly off balance" child starts to have a panic attack because there is vomit in the floor. I put a stop to that real quick. Ms. J ain't playing these days guys!

**And, here is an actual conversation in my room that I overheard while we were lining up to go to the restroom.

Student 1: X humps his dad at night.

X: No I don't! I don't even have a dad!

Student 1: Everybody has a dad.

X: Then why haven't I ever seen mine?

(Jeez! This conversation is wrong on SO many levels! Of course, we had the big "go out in the hallway boys" talk.)

**Oh, and let me not forget one of my sweet girls getting called fat by one of the boys on the way to lunch. Wonder if she ate?

That is my day. That didn't even include cleaning up from having a sub yesterday, getting the interim reports ready that were due today, answering a billion emails, documenting all the extra drama that happened today, and trying to set up for tomorrow. Yep, work definitely takes the mind off things! HA!

Then, I got home and started scrubbing the kitchen. Every night I am tackling a different room. The kitchen may take a few nights. That was one of Kevin's main areas! ha! As I am cleaning, I am on the phone with Sandy, one of my BFF's and she says "hey, go look on your front porch." And look what I found:

My friends are the BEST! She even got the right flavor of poptarts. You all did know there is only flavor that counts right? I am covered now in the poptarts and Dr. Pepper area!!! Thanks Sandy! I loved it!!! :-)

Blog Interrupted

I think I have emailed everyone to let them know what is going on here on the home front, but I could have easily missed someone...If I did, forgive me. I've had a lot on my mind lately. I am trying to answer each of your emails personally. Your support is amazing!! I was afraid you might give up on him at this point...thank you for proving me wrong!

As most of you know Kevin went back to rehab yesterday. Last week was a BAD week...emotions were running high. I was partly pissed at him for being so irresponsible and putting others at risk. I was pissed at him for putting us in this situation where he knew we would be apart. I had told him just 3 weeks prior that if he drank again, he couldn't live here anymore. He had to go to rehab or back to his parents. He said at that time he would go to rehab if he drank again. That didn't stop him from trying to beg his way out of it. It was hard last week. Very hard. At times I thought my heart might explode right out of my chest. There were several times when I had to cry out for God to help me because I could not do this on my own. I knew I had to be strong for the both of us. It was easy when I was pissed. It was much harder when I was just sad.

Last week is behind us now. Sunday was no where near as hard as I expected. There was such a peace that went along with leaving him there. This is a different type of rehab. They call it a spiritual boot camp for men with addictions. To be interviewed, you have to attend the church service on Sunday morning and stay after for an interview. The service is what made me know he was at the right place. This place is ran by a couple and the man lived a parallel life to what Kevin has led. This man has now given his life over to God and helping others overcome addictions. Inspiring! I am so relieved that Kevin is there. Now, I just pray he does what he needs to do to get better. The next 30 days may be tough folks. 30 days with no contact - not even by mail. You may have to cheer me up from time to time!!!

I know this is our only chance at a life together, but I miss the Big Bear already. I mean, who is gonna remember to make sure I don't run out of poptarts and Dr. Pepper? :-)

Seriously, keep us in your prayers. I will try this week to get back into my blogging routine. If I have to work through some tough stuff...I'll warn you at the head of the post, so you can skip it if you want!

Meet Shena...Autumn's new horse!

I guess Autumn might share with my Mom! Ha! Seriously, isn't she gorgeous? I couldn't stop looking at her!! She's so soft too!
Her registered name is Shena Lori Darlin. See...it was meant to be! ha! She is a paint quarter horse and placed in the World Paint Horse Show in the Halter class. So, I guess we can add one more event to Autumn's horse show day!
Her family line isn't too shabby either ~ her grandfather had a Superior Halter Award and was an APHA Champion. I was impressed! But, mainly I was in awe at her beauty.
So far, Sergio HATES her! Autumn's pony hates her new horse...hmmm? Think he knows he's being replaced? I tried to tell him today that Autumn will always love him the most. He was her first horse (or pony) afterall. Unless you count Dipstick!....I don't think that stubborn Dipstick counts though! :-) Tune in tomorrow for pics of all the horses at Mom's.
P.S. I had a great weekend. It was just what I needed. Peggy came over, and we scrapped & girl talked Friday night - PERFECT! Just what I needed! Thanks Peggy! Then, Saturday, I didn't get dressed until ... well, I didn't...I did shower at 9 pm before bed though! I got a lot done AND was lazy at the same time. School work, laundry, and blog reading ... all caught up! The teenage neighbor needed money and offered to mow. I got my yard mowed for $20! Can't beat that! Today, I headed to Mom and Dad's and just hung out with the horses, dogs and cats all day. Yep, just what I needed. Now, Kevin can come on back home from the golf weekend he had! :-)

Hangin' in...

One more day...just gotta make it through one more day and then weekend bliss! :-) Due to Mr. Simba being sick and the fact that I need some ME time, I am going to be home this weekend while Kevin goes out of town for a golf tournament. First thing I am going to do is clean house, and then I am going to enjoy having a clean house all weekend. woo-hoo! I am going to sleep in! And, I am not going to hear any crying (if you are crying about anything this weekend, DO NOT call me!). I have heard enough crying from one of my students this week to last a lifetime!! Jeez...I can't handle crying fits. I just can't muster up sympathy after so many times. It's bad! Think it's a good sign that it's only the 3rd week of school, and I am so looking forward to the weekend? LOL!

Hopefully, I will make it to see Autumn's new horse this weekend at some point. She is suppose to be gorgeous! I better make the most of this weekend because my Saturday class starts next week, and then my weekends are booked!

Wordless Wednesday: My feelings exactly!

Mr. Trouble

Mr. Trouble, aka Simba, is sick! :-( He took a trip to the vet this morning, and I was expecting a terror. But, I guess he felt so bad that he didn't even fight us. He will be embarrassed for me to tell you that his anal gland ruptured...ewww! It wasn't a sight easy on the eyes. But with meds and a good clean up (while under some serious sedation at the vet), he will be fine.

It's a yucky, rainy day here, and I am in the dumps...feeling blue and yucky myself. So, that's all I got today. I even cried when my tough guy had to go to the vet this morning ~ what a sap I am!

Autumn's Weekend to SHINE!

If the slide show stops, hit the x in the corner and it will restart. It's acting up. There are about 16 pictures total.
We started Friday night with decorating the stall and gettiing set up. Then, Saturday, she was on top of the world. She had two events on Saturday and had all her aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, and even great-grandparents from both sides of the family there to support her. She even had a few cousins stop by to watch. The day was all about her, and she deserved it!! I was so proud of her and tickled (and a bit misty eyed) to see her showered with so much attention. She rode in Pony Under Saddle and Junior Poles on Saturday. She didn't place, but one of the pictures shows just how much competition there was - about 60 horses per event. She didn't care and wasn't nervous at all. Mom and I had that covered for her! ha! She was busy having a blast, and we were a bundle of nerves in the stand! We were back at it today for Junior Flags, and that was really nail biting!! She did come in 18th place, but they only give out awards for 1st thru 10th place. Again, she wasn't even worried about it. She was just excited to ride...what it's all about anyway! Enjoy the pics! I am SUPER proud of her! :-)

And, guess what her prize from the ole grandparents was on the way home today???? Yep, a new HORSE!! Pictures coming soon! ha!