Reflections...

**warning - I have no idea where this post will take me. Just getting out some thoughts/feelings/memories that have come to me throughout the day - consider yourself warned!**

11 years ago today, I was in San Francisco marrying the man I loved more than anything. I can't believe that was 11 years ago...it some ways, it is a distant memory & in others, I remember it like it was yesterday. Some details are still crystal clear....I can remember looking at him while we were saying our vows and thinking, "this is a dream". That day is still one of my happiest memories...we were surrounded by our close friends and had amazing views all around. We truly loved each other...what went wrong? Well, lots of things, but I really try not to dwell on the negative. Is there really any point at playing the blame game? Not now...it is best summed up with we were young, and we grew apart. We are two totally different people (those who know us both are probably laughing right now going no kidding!) Alan is a night owl, mr. social, knows everyone, life of the party, spontaneous, out every night....I am the polar opposite - in bed around 9/9:30, don't like to party, a major homebody, my idea of a good night is scrappin' with a bunch of my friends at home. You get the idea - I loved the stability of being married and the responsibilities of married life - he felt the opposite...so, it was doomed.

Lots of people ask me how we managed to stay friends (because he is still a best friend that I can rely on). I don't really know the answer except we never let things get nasty or ugly. We never really fought. We were always friends, just not the best husband/wife. I really only remember letting him "have it" twice during the separation. It will be 4 years in January that we separated...crazy! But, I only remember getting truly MAD about twice...mainly, I was depressed. It was bad! I guess I was mourning the loss of my marriage and my best friend. It is a major life change...all the sudden your life is in an uproar & nothing is the same. I think I took it harder than most people b/c I never really thought of divorce as an option. Almost everyone in my family has been divorced, and I was determined that it wasn't going to happen to me. Well, I learned you can't control everything, and it takes two people to make a marriage work. So, it hit me hard. Despite all his faults, I loved him. I loved him deeply. I would have done anything in the world for him. So, I felt like my world had crumbled around my feet the day he walked out the door. I struggled for over a year...probably close to a year and half.

I was probably clinically depressed. It is a hard thing to overcome. I think that one of the reasons that Alan & I stayed friends is because he didn't "desert" me in that when I was depressed, he was always there for me when I broke down. Keep in mind that for the past 8 years before this, I kept up a fake front with everyone else that life was fine and we were a happy couple. So, Alan was the only person who truly knew me and the only person I felt I could be true self around....it didn't matter what time of night or what he was doing, he would answer the call & listen. I have a healthy respect for those who struggle with depression b/c I have been there and don't ever want to feel that way again. I admit that it was bad enough that on at least two occasions I actually considered taking my own life. I admit that b/c MAYBE someone reading this is or has thought the same thing before - and it DOES get better!!! I hated with a passion hearing that when I was depressed - I wanted a timeline - WHEN will it get better b/c I truly didn't see how it could - my life was ruined in my eyes. Well, it does get better...I fought my way back. And it was a fight!! I remember going to the doctor and not being able to tell him what I needed b/c I was crying so hard...he knew and gave me some anti-depressants. I really didn't want to take them - I wanted to overcome this on my own. But I went to the doctor b/c I was sick of it. Turns out, just having the security blanket of the anti-depressants in the drawer if I couldn't fight it on my own, was all I needed. I never took one...slowly, things started getting better. I fought my way back to the top, and I am happier than I have been in years!!

Some friends tell me I need to tell my story of the divorce to support groups and help others going through divorce. I think everyone has a story, and no one's will help until you are READY to overcome it. People told me all kinds of motivating stories - no help! That was great for them, but it wasn't me. I will say that watching Oprah everyday helped b/c she always had someone on with a story worse than my own! I would think "could be worse, that could be me".

I never thought I would be where I am today - divorced, 34, and no children. But, if I count my blessings, I am truly blessed in so many ways. And really, life is good! I just choose to focus on the positive and leave the rest alone. So, to anyone going through divorce, my only advice - if you want to take it - don't waste your time being bitter or playing the blame game. Remember the good times you had together and leave the rest behind!

**remember - you were warned! I feel better now getting that out!**