Lessons I've learned

Yesterday marked 5 years since my ex-hubs walked out of our marriage....5 years of being divorced and single...time flies (when you're having fun!) Here's some things I've learned from my divorce:

*Ladies, if you think your husband might be having an affair, he is. Plain and simple. Trust your instincts. God gave them to us for a reason. Don't be afraid to listen to your gut like I was.

*Don't think your friends will rat out your cheating spouse. They won't. No one wants to be the one to tell you and break your heart.

*Let yourself feel the pain of the loss of your marriage. Cry. (but don't cry as long as I did.)

*Know when to let go. Know when it's worth fighting to stay. (Use those instincts again.)

*Don't be nasty during the divorce - especially if you have kids. You are a part of each other's history and lives. Find a way to keep it simple and be civil to each other.

*Learn who your true friends are (not the ones who just want the latest dish so they can gossip)...rely on your true friends to help you through the tough spots.

*Oh, and definitely you need a good dog! Jax was a life saver! :-)

*I had a hard time with being ashamed of the fact that I was divorced. Don't be ashamed.

*Don't worry about what anyone thinks - your true friends and family love you no matter what!

*Don't immediately start dating. Find yourself, your happiness and your independence first.

*Have a "fun fling" before you look for a serious relationship.

*Even though you hate hearing it - that life will get better and you will be happy again. It is true. When you finally let go of the marriage and life that really wasn't happy in the first place, you will find yourself laughing again, reconnecting with old friends, making new friends, and genuinely enjoying life like you are supposed to! I PROMISE!

On my mind...

**Warning - a rambling that I'm not even sure makes sense!

I almost let myself get down this week...almost got off track. Sometimes it's the one extra thing that gets put on your plate that can knock you off balance. It was just an overwhelming week with work and other stuff. My to-do list was a mile long, but as of today, I have it all done with the exception of grocery shopping and mowing. Two things I despise!!! I wish I could just hire a teenager to come mow, but money is too tight right now. That is something I am so tired of worrying about...money. You know, Kevin being gone has really set me back more than I thought. He helped out alot around here. Now, with him gone, I am strapped. It isn't fun. I'm not gonna lie, but it will get better. Unfortunately, I had two really big bills due in the past week and Jax had to go to the vet. Those are paid, so now it's time to play catch-up. So, yep, I almost got down this week.

The thoughts on my mind this week have been about where I've been and where I should be going...maybe I am at a crossroads. Remember being younger and having these great plans for your life? I mean, seriously, we all know I didn't PLAN to be 35 without kids, divorced and with a boyfriend in rehab. Who in their 20's would plan that for themselves?? But it is where I am, and mostly I embrace it. I really do try to see the lesson and make myself a better person when things go wrong. I think I am a MUCH better person since my divorce. I am happier and stronger. But this week after paying bills and having no money left over, I asked myself a few times, what the hell happened??? How did I get to this place in my life? 12 years ago at the naive, young age of 23, (just this month too), I was getting married. I still remember that day vividly...so full of hope and dreams. Here is a warning to all you planners out there...we both wanted three boys and the house with the dog, the storybook family life. Not sure what happened there, but then things changed. Then, he didn't want kids. I made peace with it. I even convinced myself I didn't want kids! But, I am getting off track. My point, I guess, is that neither of us planned for things to turn out the way they did. And, after feeling like white trash all week because my boyfriend is in rehab and I am poor. I guess I realized, well, I would rather be happy, poor white trash, then have money and be someone who didn't want to be with me. But, I still want to shake people that I hear making plans for things and talking like there is no question they are going to happen. You don't know what is going to happen tomorrow or next year. Anything can happen...

I had a weak moment or two this week, but I still have my chin up. I am hopeful about the future. I have faith God knows what he is doing with my life. I have my friends close by and am trying to find the joy in my current journey...where ever it takes me!

All mixed up...

**warning ~ if you want a happy, feel good post. You might want to skip to yesterday or Sunday's.

I am having a bad "I miss Kevin" day. He was such a presence around here with his belly laughs, his messes, his jokes, his COOKING, his stories...I could go on and on. I just miss him. I miss calling him on my way home and talking to him about my day. I miss having him to take my side when I am mad or irritated at someone. Because you know, he always had my back. I miss that he made me put my school work up and do something else even if we just sat and talked. For those of you who really know us, you know we joke that Kevin has "gay tendencies" ~ LOL! I mean, he does like to go to flea markets and helps me put outfits together. I changed shirts three times this morning! And shoes, he always knows which shoes I should wear! ha! I miss him bad and it's only been two weeks. 6 months is a long time.

Now before I get any lectures, I know this is for the best. I know this is the only way our relationship can survive. But that doesn't mean I don't miss him. And actually, I am thankful for missing him like this today because honestly, sometimes I feel guilty that I am adjusting as well as I am. I feel like I should miss him more. I don't know how to explain it. I miss him, BUT...for the last 3 months, things have just gotten too out of control. I do NOT miss that. I do NOT miss the worry. So much worry...how was his day? Can he handle this news? Is today the day he will drink? Did he drink today? Is he covering and really drank? and again, another long list that could go on and on. Nope, I don't miss the worry...that is where a bit of guilt comes into play because I almost feel guilty that I was relieved to have him gone. I mean, I could breath. He is safe. Everyone else is safe. I don't have to worry. I am free. I can just focus on me. I am always so busy worrying over everyone else and if they are happy that I sometimes forget to think about me.

Ok - enough whining and crying. I gotta reach down deep and be tough. I know I have to keep things in perspective. No one is dying. Kevin has been given a chance at recovery and a new life. There a million success stories out there, and this place has a HIGH success rate. He will beat this. 6 months is a small price to pay for a lifetime of sobriety and happiness. Right? RIGHT!

Just crap - this isn't always going to be easy!

I wonder...

I wonder if people realize how much work a teacher takes home each night?

I wonder what it means that I have been ok all week...no more tears.

I wonder if it will all come crashing down on me at once.

I wonder if it is time for me to start looking for a library position.

I wonder what the weekend brings...

I wonder if my niece knows how fiercely protective I am of her?

I wonder if my BFF knows how much I truly love and cherish her and our friendship?

I wonder what Kevin is doing...

I wonder what his days are like...

I wonder what normal is...

I wonder if I will ever get caught up on grading papers?

Reflections...

**warning - I have no idea where this post will take me. Just getting out some thoughts/feelings/memories that have come to me throughout the day - consider yourself warned!**

11 years ago today, I was in San Francisco marrying the man I loved more than anything. I can't believe that was 11 years ago...it some ways, it is a distant memory & in others, I remember it like it was yesterday. Some details are still crystal clear....I can remember looking at him while we were saying our vows and thinking, "this is a dream". That day is still one of my happiest memories...we were surrounded by our close friends and had amazing views all around. We truly loved each other...what went wrong? Well, lots of things, but I really try not to dwell on the negative. Is there really any point at playing the blame game? Not now...it is best summed up with we were young, and we grew apart. We are two totally different people (those who know us both are probably laughing right now going no kidding!) Alan is a night owl, mr. social, knows everyone, life of the party, spontaneous, out every night....I am the polar opposite - in bed around 9/9:30, don't like to party, a major homebody, my idea of a good night is scrappin' with a bunch of my friends at home. You get the idea - I loved the stability of being married and the responsibilities of married life - he felt the opposite...so, it was doomed.

Lots of people ask me how we managed to stay friends (because he is still a best friend that I can rely on). I don't really know the answer except we never let things get nasty or ugly. We never really fought. We were always friends, just not the best husband/wife. I really only remember letting him "have it" twice during the separation. It will be 4 years in January that we separated...crazy! But, I only remember getting truly MAD about twice...mainly, I was depressed. It was bad! I guess I was mourning the loss of my marriage and my best friend. It is a major life change...all the sudden your life is in an uproar & nothing is the same. I think I took it harder than most people b/c I never really thought of divorce as an option. Almost everyone in my family has been divorced, and I was determined that it wasn't going to happen to me. Well, I learned you can't control everything, and it takes two people to make a marriage work. So, it hit me hard. Despite all his faults, I loved him. I loved him deeply. I would have done anything in the world for him. So, I felt like my world had crumbled around my feet the day he walked out the door. I struggled for over a year...probably close to a year and half.

I was probably clinically depressed. It is a hard thing to overcome. I think that one of the reasons that Alan & I stayed friends is because he didn't "desert" me in that when I was depressed, he was always there for me when I broke down. Keep in mind that for the past 8 years before this, I kept up a fake front with everyone else that life was fine and we were a happy couple. So, Alan was the only person who truly knew me and the only person I felt I could be true self around....it didn't matter what time of night or what he was doing, he would answer the call & listen. I have a healthy respect for those who struggle with depression b/c I have been there and don't ever want to feel that way again. I admit that it was bad enough that on at least two occasions I actually considered taking my own life. I admit that b/c MAYBE someone reading this is or has thought the same thing before - and it DOES get better!!! I hated with a passion hearing that when I was depressed - I wanted a timeline - WHEN will it get better b/c I truly didn't see how it could - my life was ruined in my eyes. Well, it does get better...I fought my way back. And it was a fight!! I remember going to the doctor and not being able to tell him what I needed b/c I was crying so hard...he knew and gave me some anti-depressants. I really didn't want to take them - I wanted to overcome this on my own. But I went to the doctor b/c I was sick of it. Turns out, just having the security blanket of the anti-depressants in the drawer if I couldn't fight it on my own, was all I needed. I never took one...slowly, things started getting better. I fought my way back to the top, and I am happier than I have been in years!!

Some friends tell me I need to tell my story of the divorce to support groups and help others going through divorce. I think everyone has a story, and no one's will help until you are READY to overcome it. People told me all kinds of motivating stories - no help! That was great for them, but it wasn't me. I will say that watching Oprah everyday helped b/c she always had someone on with a story worse than my own! I would think "could be worse, that could be me".

I never thought I would be where I am today - divorced, 34, and no children. But, if I count my blessings, I am truly blessed in so many ways. And really, life is good! I just choose to focus on the positive and leave the rest alone. So, to anyone going through divorce, my only advice - if you want to take it - don't waste your time being bitter or playing the blame game. Remember the good times you had together and leave the rest behind!

**remember - you were warned! I feel better now getting that out!**

Father's Day...

I am going to broach a subject that I very seldom talk about...my dad. I really don't think of him as a dad, so I guess I should say my biological father? What do you call a man that you haven't spoken one word to in 15 years? That the last time you saw him was at your Grandfather's funeral, and he acted as if you didn't exist? What do you call a man who kicks his daughter out of the house with no where to go? (I made the HUGE mistake of moving in with him when I went to college...HUGE!!! I ended up sleeping on the floor of an acquaintances dorm room for a week until I found a place to live. But that is a whole other story.)
I heard a song today that reminded me of him. It is the new Kellie Pickler song I wonder. If you haven't heard it, I attached it for you at the bottom of this post...take the time ~ it is a beautiful song ... and it is so true. I can't help but wonder sometimes if he thinks of me. Tomorrow is Father's day ~ will he remember me? Will I cross his mind once? Why do I even care after all this time? Most of the time, I admit, that I don't think of him anymore. I have had to move away from it all and try to find peace. I have forgiven alot in my lifetime, but for whatever reason, I cannot find forgiveness in my heart for him. I have prayed about it, but 15 years later, I still haven't found that forgiveness.
I will never forget the last interaction with my father for as long as I live...the pure hatred in his eyes is something I hope never to experience again. I often wonder what his version of events for that is? He surely doesn't tell the story or tell it correctly, so I do often wonder how he explains the fact he has a daughter that he hasn't spoken to in so long...how does he spin his abuse to show himself in a better light? My biggest regret in life is that my Grandpa died within months of our big fallout. I didn't get to tell him what really happened...I often wonder what my father told him...whatever it was, I know it wasn't the truth. How do you explain throwing your daughter across the room and your wife having to pull you off of her before your fist hit her in the face? You know he didn't tell that...my only peace with that is that I know my Pa is in heaven, and he now knows the truth. I hope he is the first person I see when I get there, and he wraps me in his arms with a long-awaited hug. He is the one postive male influence I had in my life, and I wish I could have one more conversation with him.
I guess I should take comfort in the fact that I have risen above it all and tried to become a much better, more giving person than my father ever was. That saying actions speaks louder than words is the best way to explain my parental relationships...my father always said everything you wanted to hear, he would tell me he loved me everytime he saw me, but yet he was never there. My Mom, on the otherhand, was ALWAYS there. (granted I may not have shown my appreciation as a teenager, but I do appreciate it now!) A prime example is when I was on the drill team, my Mom was at every game to watch me perform - even in the rain. At the time, my father only lived about 30 min. away, but somehow, didn't make it. Why is it that the parent that fails you the most is the one you constantly look for? I have looked for him my whole life...but it was Mom who was there...so forgive me this Father's Day, while I celebrate another Mother's Day because my Mom had to work double-duty and be my Mom and my Dad....and I love her dearly for it!

To watch I wonder video click here

Pity Party

**Warning: If you aren't a dog lover, stop reading now!! (And since blogging has taken the place of writing in my journal for me, you might have to deal with a post like this from time to time where I have a little pity party! Consider yourself warned!)

Let me start by saying that I know I am sometimes over the top about my critters. But my "fur kids" ARE my kids until I am at a place in life where I can have those two-legged kids that everyone says brings you so much joy! (we'll save those issues for another day b/c little babies scare me to death!) Anyway...my fur kids have been with me for a long time now. The cats (Simba & Nala) are 10 & Jax is 9. Rocky would've been 9 in January, but you know I lost him in October to that ugly nerve disease. That is what makes Jax being so sick lately so hard. I'm afraid I'm going to lose both my boys right here together. I think maybe I am overly protective of these two dogs because they have gotten me through so much in my life. They were my company through my marriage (everyone knows that my ex & I have totally different lifestyles, so I was home alone alot), but my boys were always there to keep me company. And they were there with their heads in my lap during the divorce when I sat on the back deck crying because we had just sold our house. On those days in the year after the divorce when I was so depressed, they were there right beside me everyday. There were times when Rocky would ram his big 'ole rottie chest into the mattress over and over until he made me get out of bed and face the day! (I miss that dog!) They got me through that first year of the divorce - no doubt about it! So, yes, I spoil my pets. Yes, I call them family. Yes, I still cry over Rocky's death and having to put my best friend to sleep. Yes, they are more than just dogs to me!

And now, I am sad because Jax has had to spend the whole weekend at the vet getting IV fluids because he has pancreatitis. For those who asked what pancreatitis was go here: http://2ndchance.info/pancreatitis.htm In the past four months, Rocky has gotten suddenly sick & died, Jax had a major surgery for a ruptured ACL shortly after, in recent weeks he has had two bladder infections and now this! They say when they've grown up together and you lose one, shortly after, you lose the other. That is what worries me!!

Really I am just having a good 'ole pity party because I hate being at home without my dogs & I still miss Rocky. I cried myself to sleep Friday night. Then Saturday after I finished all my work, I thought, I can sit here and worry about Jax in this "empty" house (b/c you know cats don't count! ha!), or I can do something about it. So, I went to Rector to see Kevin! And, I instantly felt better ~ he has that affect on me! :-) Now, I'm thinkin', maybe I just have PMS or something because I really don't normally cry alot & on the way home tonight, I cried twice! Since Friday, I have cried leaving Jax at the vet, cried over Grey's Anatomy (I can't watch on Thursday b/c I have class), cried over Rocky, cried over a movie (Radio), and cried on the way home again over the dogs. Hormones??? Stress??? I don't know, but sometimes it's just hard to be a woman! Thank goodness this Friday is scrap night! (If anyone is still reading this - I'm impressed!)

Hugs,
Lori

Life

I'm mainly making today's post so I won't have to re-tell it over and over ~ especially over the holidays! It is easier on me to hit everyone with one punch on this one & I know there will be mixed reactions. Trust me ~ I know everything you can & will or want to say. Here goes (with minimal details b/c some things should just stay "off the record"):

I am almost positive that all of you know that Kevin is a recovering alcoholic. He is very open about it, & it is not a secret. This is a disease that he will struggle with on a daily basis for the rest of his life. He has had a relapse in the past few days. As a result, we are no longer "seeing each other" because I strongly feel he needs to have all his focus on himself and overcoming the disease. I KNOW he can beat this b/c he is a good person with a big heart, AND he wants to win this battle!!

I will continue to support him as a friend. We have been friends since we were little kids, and I will not turn my back on a life-long friend. Some of you will agree with this & some will not. That is your right. All I ask is that you try not judge him. Instead say a daily prayer for him that he gets well so he can lead a healthy and happy life.

I ask for your understanding in that I don't want to really talk about this ~ I am taking it a day at a time. Don't worry about me - I've been here before unfortunately, and I will pick myself up and move on like I always find the strength to do.

Tribute to a faithful friend

What I'll miss most about Rocky:
1. the way he would dig around in his toybox for "just the right toy"
2. how he would clean up Jax's face for him after they ate
3. how he was my Rock during the tough times & let me cry into his fur
4. his friendship with Simba (the cat who thinks he's a rottie too)
5. the way he hated a bath, but afterwards would wiggle and shake his butt like a puppy
6. how he would play in the snow and catch snowballs from me like they were tennis balls
7. the way he would stand in one spot and bark while Jax ran circles around the backyard
8. the pure joy he got from a car ride (especially if he was going to Daddy's)
9. his obsession with toys & tennis balls & how he wouldn't share with Jax
10. the look of pure love in his eyes when he would lay his head in my lap to be petted...


My best friend closed his eyes last night,
As his head was in my hand.
The Doctors said he was in pain,
And it was hard for him to stand.

The thoughts that scurried through my head,
As I cradled him in my arms.
Were of his younger, puppy years,
And OH...his many charms.

Today, there was no gentle nudge
With an intense "I love you gaze",
Only a heart thats filled with tears
Remembering our joy filled days.

But an Angel just appeared to me,
And he said, "You should cry no more,
GOD also loves our canine friends,
HE's installed a 'doggy-door"!

jan cooper '95